January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Then you may just be spending too much time together. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. ReginaRey It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. I am actually not promoting anything. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Ok, fine, I do this. Same goes for his family out in Queens. Not youre wrong and you have to change. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. I hate having family stay over at our house. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Problem definitely not enough information here. GatorGirl Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. You do like to see people you love, right? My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. Or go to batting cages. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. silver_dragon_girl If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? LW real advice. By the time My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. I agree with you both. Its just simple, smart, communication! muchachaenlaventana Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? allathian At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. Yeah, but every weekend? Summer and fall is half the year. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Laura Hope Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. All rights reserved. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. If not, you need to sort this out. So much fun and its free! And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Yes. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Your January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. LW, you are not being unreasonable! If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Okay okay. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Those conversations should have happened before. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. or just dinner? That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. . . A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. It sounds codependent to me. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Some peoples parents are just like that. Come on, BGM! It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Youve lived together for three weeks. Its not weird to them. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. John Rohan This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. I am afraid for humanity. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. ReginaRey You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. But, youre not single now. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. But come on, man! He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. CottonTheCuteDog The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Its over the top. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Yeah.. barf. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. Hes going to choose you. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth The LW may be overreacting. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. . January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Thats totally a lot. No, not necessarily. Then offer a compromise. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. I can understand both sides. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? TaraMonster January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Some families really are just that close. True enough, Flake. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. 14 years ago. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. You arent happy and yet you stay. artsygirl He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. I stand by it. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. lets_be_honest You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. BGM never agrees with the woman. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Drews father is in his 90s (!!) As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Bklyn Grl Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. It is what they like to do. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. However, I think the Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. SpaceySteph Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. ReginaRey Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. allathian Addie Pray Are you far away from your own family? As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. At least, most of the time. Agreed. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. The evening must be spent together as well? When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. Yes, this. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Agreed. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Thatll probably shut them up. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. when it comes up we just talk about it. Time together parents but it might be a good career or come from a wealthy..: a mere annoyance or an over the holidays or not see much! 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husband wants to spend every weekend with his family